Reflections One Month After

It's been just over a month since I finished my Appalachian Trail thru hike on August 8th. Since I didn't have to return to work right away I stayed in Maine with my family for about two and a half weeks, resting and relaxing. I still have another week before I go back to work, and I'm actually looking forward to it. Not just because I'm out of money, but I'm also just getting bored. I've decided to write down a few things that I've been thinking or doing in the month since I summited Katahdin.

Future Thru Hikes: In the first few days I thought I was never going to want to go camping again. Or hiking. Or sleep in a tent. But it only took about a week before I started looking up books about thru hiking the Pacific Crest Trail. I already have a list of long distance trails I want to explore.

Hiking Friends: The three members of my original trail family - J Biebs, Calves, and Pige - all completed their thru hikes. I was even able to see Calves (when I did trail magic at Grafton Notch) and J Biebs (in Portland after he completed his hike).

Gear: One of the first things I did was trash half of my gear. There were some items - stuff sacks, sleeping pad, socks, shoes, hiking dress, water bottle/filter - that were not salvageable. Some had reached the end of their useful life (like the water bottle/filter), some were damaged and could not be repaired (stuff sacks, sleeping pad) and some were just so gross that they probably should have been burned (hiking dress, socks, shoes). My Osprey pack is still in great shape (although very smelly) and after a good cleaning can be used to future backpacking trips. If/when I decide to do another long distance backpacking trip or thru hike I think I'll replace it with a lighter and probably smaller pack. My sleeping quilt, although also very smelly, is still in good shape and will be reused. I was convinced not to throw away my tent. I don't like my Big Agnes Fly Creek and would probably not buy another Big Agnes product, but it's in decent shape and after a thorough washing could probably be sold or donated.

Fitness: I spent the first week doing nothing. Some days walking as few as 1,500 steps. My legs, knees, and feet had been sore for awhile but the first week after my hike the pain was incredible - it got so much worse. All I wanted to do was sit and stare and zone out. And eat of course. I had lost about 17 pounds, although I'm pretty sure I was very dehydrated the last couple weeks of my hike so just drinking fluids regularly helped put back on a few pounds. I read about how women don't typically lose as much weight as men and sometimes even put on some weight as they build muscle in their legs. That definitely didn't happen to me - I had lost about 15 pounds by the time I reached Harpers Ferry so I'm pretty sure my body stripped away all the unneeded muscle first. Arm, shoulder, and back muscles from swimming - gone. Quads and glute muscles from cycling - gone. If my body didn't need it for walking it got rid of it. I tried swimming after a week of resting and it was slow and difficult. I felt like I had lost all buoyancy. I felt more comfortable in the water after swimming on an almost daily basis for the next two weeks. My first swim only lasted 15 minutes but I worked up to 30 minutes at a time. I decided I'd better keep my legs moving so I tried running one mile a day. It felt like I was trying to run the day after racing an Ironman. For the first week it was only a mile, now I'm up to three at a time.  I found myself getting jealous of progress my friends have made while racing (running and triathlon) this year. I feel like I have to start from square one.Most people would think that I'm in great shape after walking 2,190 miles but that's not really the case. I basically have to start over.

I also had to deal with my sugar addiction. If it wasn't obvious by my resupplies I ate pretty much nothing but processed foods and sugar. I may have lost 15 pounds, but I was pretty sure my insides were mush. I craved soda constantly. When I went grocery shopping I immediately went to the snack and candy aisle before realizing I didn't have to carry everything I bought and I had a refrigerator to keep fresh foods in. I wandered around the store, not really knowing what I was in the mood to eat. I wasn't really hungry for anything - food had become a bit of a chore. It took about 10 days to stop craving soda, I still find myself picking up candy while waiting in the check-out lane.

I've heard a lot about how the trail will change you. And it probably has changed me, in little ways. But honestly, it's like it never happened. I obviously have all the memories of the 121 days I spent hiking. Physically I'm almost back to normal - I've gained about half of the weight I lost back, I still feel some pain in my knees, but the ache in the bottom of my feet is mostly gone, I have dark spots on my hips and back from the chemical burn I got leaving Monson, the tips of my toes are still numb. But I no longer look or smell like a homeless person. And most days I don't even think or talk about the trail, unless someone asks about it. 

I walked almost the entire trail without headphones, music, podcasts, etc. - I spent most of the time just with my thoughts, which Bird had so thoughtfully commented "knowing you that must be torture".  I figured I'd have four months to figure everything out. And just what did I figure out?

Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.

Did I figure out what I want to be when I grow up? No.
Did I decide what my next goal/adventure will be? No.
Did I decide if I want to return to DC and stay there forever? No.

Am I over my divorce? No. I try not to let my thoughts dwell but sometimes...

I never want to go hiking again but also want to hike the triple crown.
I want to go back to work and do the best job I can to build my career but also find a job to earn enough to pay the bills while I spend most of my day exploring.
I want to buy a new house in DC and make it a home but also leave the east coast and travel the country in a van.
I want to buy cool new toys and bikes and gear for my hobbies but also get rid of everything I own other than what I use on a daily basis.
I want everything and nothing.
I still don't think I know where I'm supposed to be.

I'm looking forward to getting back to work and getting back to a daily routine. I hope to be able to do marathon #9 in January and sign up for an Ironman next year. Thru hiking the trail was worth all of the pain and discomfort, but in the end I did not come to any profound realizations. I'm still me and work starts on Monday.